I have not have the best health as a child or an adult but I did have a few great years and was even able to give birth to an amazing perfect boyThen after enjoying years of ok health I got sick AGAIN Long story short At the end of 2009 I was told my cancer was back and that I had a gene and a chromosome that would make it virtually impossible to ever be cancer free for any long period of timeMy adult son was living with me at the time and all he saw was me on the couch miserable I dont know if this inspired anything on his part but little did I know at that time and now more than ever that I would soon get the best gift I could ever have in my lifeHe was out with friends one night and I got a phone call about 3 AM from my son just telling me to wake up of course I did and he walked to the door told me to close my eyes and open my handsAnd before I even opened my eyes I knew my life had changed forever Before I even opened my eyes I felt warmth and peace and love and the moment I opened my eyes and met what would be my best friend for the foreseeable future I just knew she would be my strength joy and everything I needed. I had grown up with pitbulls low maintenance big yard dogs that could endure anything My son had brought me my miracle 3 lbs. 9 oz. the most beautiful phon miniature dachshund I had ever seen I knew nothing about her the next day we took her to the vet and I bought health insurance for my dog for a long time I told myself I was crazy and then as our love and friendship grew I wanted to know everything I could do to make her happy and healthy because thats exactly what she did for me From that moment on she just made me better I wanted to get up and out and healthy and I wanted to play and I wanted her to experience everything with me I can never remember going anywhere or doing anything without her the people at the pharmacy the stores and drive thrus knew her by name petsmart gave her VIP treatment she was my partner And that at the age of eight years old I rushed her to the after hours emergency hospitals I have done many times before and in the past had always turned out unnecessary but better safe than sorry right This visit would be different I knew the moment that the vet came out to talk to me without my baby Becky that it was going to be bad news I was told that they suspected lymphoma and they proceeded to show me a slide of her cells I dont really remember anything after that I just know that the very next day we went to the oncologist I took her back to her doctor to get on steroids and medicine and surgery this was only the third day from the diagnosis she couldnt sleep things were happening to her that scared both of us I had taken her the next day she was completely consumed she had stopped eating and she just was feeling bad no moments of The life that she had just a few days ago her vet had discussed putting her down whatever the fuck that means with me second day I had taken her two times previously to say Goodbye but in my eyes at the time it was murder and even after the catheter was in they had explained everything I grabbed her up and ran home and it occurred to me that what I was doing was so selfish that it wasnt about me it was about her this little perfect animal that had given me her whole entire life no questions asked I do this would be the last day I would be with her and held her in my arms she couldnt sleep because these tumors just erupted while I was holding her she looked at me as if to say please please please understand how sick I am and just stay with me thats enough for me to know that You will be OK when Im gone As soon as the sun came up I met her doctor at the hospital I held her and sang our favorite song as she had done for me many times before when I was in the hospital or sick in the bed I dont remember walking out of there without her that day but I do remember every since waiting for her at the door sleeping alone not sleeping at all not leaving my house because I didnt wanna come home and her not being there And what I had to go back to the vet to pick up her ashes I couldnt even go inside I was angry I was riddled with guilt and consumed with grief nobody understood I didnt understand I would stay up all night researching trying to convince myself that I had done everything possible that I couldve done for her to this day Im still not convinced that I did She died five days after her diagnosis and Im still stuck the grief comes in waves mostly anger and guilt but a constant uncontrollable emptiness and sadness I tried to force myself to relive the life we had together and Im looking forward to the day that I can have those memories back and be grateful for the amazing life She gave me and experiencing a love that I had no idea even existed